Year In Review

Since everyone else seems to be doing this, I should too, seeing as I haven't had an original thought in the last... ever. 2005 was cut from the same cloth as all my previous years, in that it was horrible. The only thing that made it worthwhile was I met some really great people this year. And I met some people that could challenge me for title of King Asshole. I shall have to have them destroyed. Anyway, let's get this over with.

01/08/05 - I kicked Jesus' scrawny ass. In your face, Savior!

01/14/05 - I hear that this "Kobe Bryant" fellow has a knack for basketball. Apparently the ladies can't say no to him. No matter how hard they try.

02/01/05 - In the true Sac spirit, Amazing Anon and I try and come up with as many euphemisms for poop as we possibly can. Some random guy named Brent chips in with "Ass-Splode".

02/04/05 - I had eggs for breakfast.

02/16/05 - I hate butterflies. The geniuses that read Slashdot declare that Breasts are their favorite hominid development.

02/22/05 - A meager attempt at honoring Hunter S. Thompson. We miss you, Duke!

03/23/05 - I do twosies and play Tetris, all while plotting a murder. I secretly think this post is a prophecy foretelling the arrival of Jiggs Casey.

04/08/05 - Nick For Pope! Also, Grant seems to think that I have gone too far by threatening to rape bigots with a copy of the bible.

04/19/05 - I display my L337 artistry skills. This post marked the beginning of my comment whoring ways. A sad day as far as integrity is concerned.

05/11/05 - I insult an Italian and in doing so make the acquaintance of the downright delicious Diadima. She drove me to alliteration!

05/19/05 - Ubermilf makes her countenance be known and begins her diabolical plan to slowly destroy me. Also, this post is the first ever roundup, by anyone. Ever.

05/20/05 - Continuing the phenomenon of hot chicks inexplicably talking to me, Loz leaves her mark. Incidentally, this post was the first among many to feature a number of comments disproportionate to the quality of the post. In fact, it's still a running theme around here.

05/27/05 - I stigmatize the word "diva" and Litte Miss Knitty Kitty is kind enough to speak to me despite my many many shortcomings.

06/02/05 - I work for a really long time apparently. Anthony puts in his two cents for the first time. His comment also planted the seeds of combining words in my brain. Pienication = Pie + Fornication. God bless him.

06/08/05 - I apologize for being an insufferable dickhead, LoLo, Mel and Captain Beefheart all show up and make fun of me. My undying and slightly frightening devotion to Captain Beefheart begins to take hold.

06/09/05 - War vs. Canada #1 takes place. Also; Team Punchy declares that "The Ass Is Off The Table".

06/14/05 - I discover a dim flickering light of hope in my cold, charred soul. It's quickly extinguished. My darling Brooke begins to brighten my days.

06/21/05 - War Vs. Canada #2. Captain Beefheart fills various bloggers with glee (among other things) and The Blogadoon Saga is born.

The Rest of June was equally eventful, but I won't put up anymore links as it would be unfair to the other months. Here is a general breakdown: Ubermilf helped The Penguins kill me, The Penguins rub it in my dead face, Ubermilf rubs it in my face, Friend of The Sac, Cheyenne has me resurrected. Brooke inadvertantly flashes some dudes. I make the mistake of committing the following sentence to "paper": I'm not gay or nothin', but I would totally have gay, man-on-man sex with Johnny Depp. All the violence and swearing in the comments sections scare off two potential readers. God, I love it here. Also Owl defies all the women and gets my back, forever earning my loyalty.

07/06/05 - Fair weather friend and blogger Grant experiences what some Humans call "a birthday".

07/07/05 - London gets blowed up. The Blog world unites in support of our neighbors across the pond. God was smiling on us that day as our UK peeps were unscathed.

07/19/05 - I rally the troops to do my bidding. Also I talk like a pirate all day. Ubermilf calls my manhood into question (Something new and different for her) and I make the grossest poop joke ever.

07/20/05 - The post is nothing spectacular but the comments section contains the best comments on any blog ever. If you are offended by the word "fuck" in conjunctions with the word "horse" perhaps you should move to the next one. Mel, what has become of us?

07/29/05 - My birthday!

08/02/05 - The first appearance of Cowboy Nick. God help us all.

08/05/05 - Continuing the theme of disproportionate comment counts based on the quality of the post, I break the hundred comment mark for the first time by posting a picture of a dead fly.

08/12/05 - I introduce everyone to the glorious world of Photoshop Movie Math. Sandra establishes her dominance over the blog world.

08/24/05 - Someone tries to kill all of my coworkers. Would it be uncouth to point out that the driver was, in fact, a woman.

08/27/05 - I participate in Flash Fiction Friday, more importantly Monkey shows up for the first time. Monkey is very dear to The Sac.

09/13/05 - War vs. Canada #3. Anthony gets pwn3d.

09/13/05 - The War continues. Taoski makes what is perhaps the funniest comment ever.

09/16/05 - I lose the war and sign a treaty declaring me to be a douchebag as well as Anthony's Bitch. Incidentally, it is also Ubermilf's birthday.

10/27/05 - Dr. Mike's birthday. He gets fisted and my chin gets trumped by a nutsack.

10/28/05 - Ralph Macchio shows up at my job. Namecalling ensues.

11/05/05 - Dr. Mike starts enlightening us gadabouts with his tawdry tales of Med School. He, not surprisingly, becomes more popular than me.

11/09/05 - The BAoJ, as we would later become known, fucking owned Cas-Fri. We struck a mighty blow against shitty blogs everywhere.

11/10/05 - Monkey saves my life as well as the life of my sibling. A good day for us, a bad day for Philip Seymour Milfman.

11/13/05 - NICK CORP & AGOC merge to form Queue and Eh? Bloggers everywhere shout "Who are these guys?"

12/31/05 - I start the longest post ever with the most links ever.

01/01/06 - I finish the post and recover from a hangover. I ruminate about the coming year and all the horrible things it's likely to bring. Happy New Year everyone.

A Sentiment So Old School, You Cry Anachronism

Welcome, my decorous friends, to my first post-Christmas non Jesus Interview post of 2005. Ok, so most likely it will be my only one, but that's neither here nor there.


Personal News
- Happy 2nd Anniversary to Dr. and Mrs. Mike. I was wearing a phat tux, 2 years ago today.


Entertainment News
- MC Frontalot has a new song that you can download for free, here. It's called Fresh Dog and it's about a dog. Did I mention that it's free. Mmmm...free.



TV Trivia
- Who can tell me what show this exchange this is from.


Man: Dung, sir.

Host: What?

Man: We've got your dung.

Host: What dung?

Man: Your dung. Three hundredweight of heavy droppings. Where do you want it?

Host: I didn't order any dung.

Man: Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.

Host: Book of the Month Club?

Man: That's right, sir. You get 'Gone with the Wind', 'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo, 'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and with every third book you get dung.

Host: I didn't know that when I signed the form.

Man: Well, no, no. It wasn't on the form - they found it wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've got three hundredweight of dung in the van. Where do you want it?

Host: Well, I don't think we do. We've no garden.

Man: Well, it'll all fit in here - it's top-class excrement.

--


Updates may follow

Jesus III: The Jesusening

So it's that time people. I present to you the transcript from my third interview with Jesus, The Lamb of God.

*Jesus walks in and sits.

Me: ...

*two minutes of silence

Jesus: Something on your mind?

Me: Oh, I think you know.

Jesus: It's freewill, man. I had nothing to do with it.

Me: Bullshit! You sent Johnny Damon to the Yankees on purpose! You did it to spite me because of last year!

Jesus: Do you seriously think I would stoop...

Me: The YANKEES! They made him shave, you bastard! He was a beaming beacon of Boston baseball!

Jesus: Say it, don't spray it.

Me: I'm so mad... alliteration... you... GRRR!

Jesus: Believe what you want, man. I don't lie, you know this. The evil lay dormant in his heart, it just finally presented. You remember how Vader was evil and then he realized that the good was still in him and he chucked Palpatine down the electrical shaft?

Me: Of course.

Jesus: This is like the opposite of that.

Me: Was that designed to make me feel better?

Jesus: No, I just thought the parallels were cool. Listen, I'm going to make you forget about this Johnny Damon business until this interview is over.

Me: No! I'm not done talking about... So, Jesus, that was quite the fracas we had last year. What say we call a truce and spread the gospel together.

Jesus: You threw a shoe at me.

Me: YOU... I mean, let's let bygones be bygones, Jesus. We should talk about something more important than the fact that someone may or may not have hit you in the face with his Birkenstock. Let's transcend the ass whipping you were dealt.

Jesus: I only forgave you because I had to. Stupid rules.

Me: Yeah, that sucks for you.

Jesus: ...so is there an interview going on here, or what, cause I got things, man.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you from your busy schedule of ignoring us? Is your plate full of inaction?

Jesus: What's that? I didn't hear you, I was too busy being the Son of God.

Me: Speaking of which, God called me the other day and asked if I could convince you to move out of his basement finally.

Jesus: You're one to talk, Mr. 27-Year-Old-Virgin.

Me: Totally uncalled for.

Jesus: That was over the line? All the things we've said and that was too much?

Me: You know what, let's just do this thing.

Jesus: Fine with me.

Me: So... The Gays, good or bad?

Jesus: Are you kidding?! They are great. They make rainbows brighter and shinier.

Me: So sexual preference has no bearing on whether a person get into Heaven or not?

Jesus: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, who said that?

Me: You know, The Pope, Geroge Bush, Terry Fox, That Other Douchebag from Kansas...

Jesus: Fred Phelps?

Me: That's the one.

Jesus: Those guys are retards. They think I "intelligently designed" the universe and that I hate gay people. If I hated gay people, how intelligent would I have been to create homos?

Me: Plus, those Queer Eye guys are pretty kick ass.

Jesus: Hell yeah, did you see that episode with Johnny Damon?

Me: ...Johnny...Damon... Something, funny about that... THE YANKEES! You Motherfucker!

Jesus: God Dammit. Why don't you give my people a call when you come to terms with this Johnny Damon thing. Meanwhile, I'm out. Bitch.


--


I don't what it is about that guy, but he always manages to ruin our interviews with his childish antics. Such a fucking amateur.

What Up, Parn?

Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious

Spreading Cheer, Disease

McDougal Saves Christmas: Part One

McDougal Saves Chritsmas: Part Two

McDougal Saves Christmas: Dramatic Conclusion

T Minus 12 Hours.

I'm off to work. Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy various other holidays to everyone. Be safe and enjoy yourselves.

I'll be back after Christmas and Jesus will be in the Studio with The Sac once again.

Please prepare yourselves by rereading our previous interviews.

Interview One

Interview Two

Not A Jacker In Sight

Today was a good day.

This new guy we hired came up to me today and said "You're in a good mood for once." Not 'you're in a good mood today', but "for once". Immediately after he did it I turned my head so fast to look at him, he jumped back a little. Then I glared at him for a moment before smiling and replying "Yes I am."

New people are fun.

I don't know what got into my head today that put me in such a fine mood. Either way, I'm sure my coworkers appreciated it. When I'm in a good mood everyone around me is filled with delicious succor like they were a Cordial made of the finest white chocolate ganache infused with Kirsh, centered with a Griotte cherry.

All I know is I caught myself whistling a jaunty Christmas tune today and it gave me pause.

Possible Reasons Why I'm In A Good Mood:

• My vacation begins in 22 (work) hours.
• The talking Napoleon Dynamite doll my boss brought to work today.
• Using said doll in conjunction with the intercom system.
  
• The good doctor Mike will be in town tomorrow, woot!
• Jesus called the other day to confirm our interview.

So, I don't really know.

One more thing. If you are going to use the term "roundup" in regards to an amalgamated blog post, (brooke, I'm looking at you) I would like to recieve credit since it was I who first started doing that. I'm just trying to get my propers, yo.

That's how I roll. It's like Young Zee used to say back in the day: "I'm like Santa Claus, I deliver niggas grams a raw straight from Panama, fiends eat it up like canavaugh and my dimes disappear like magic wands. I sell 'em, 'til the crack of dawn and destroy every track I'm on."

It's Almost Over

I wish I had a digital camera so you could see our Christmas tree. If you came over and saw it you would think we'd been robbed or something. There's like 2 presents under it and it's sparsely decorated. It would be funny if it weren't so depressing. I would say that we are freeing ourselves from the shackles of corporate consumerism but the truth is we're all just lazy and we don't really like each other that much. If it were a children's book it would be called "The Saddest Christmas Tree". I have to work every night this week and, fortunately, I get off at 6 on Christmas Eve which will give me about three hours to do all my shopping. Just like last year.

I'm sorry I posted this over Mike's last post, as that was probably the best discussion that's ever taken place on this blog. And also the most serious discussion. and by most I mean only.

I use the word "it" a lot.



I'm reminded of the sage-like advise of The Goodie Mob: "Now get back, you hit, you get hit back, Click clack, Bu-yak! Automatic at-tack, got gats."

Look Out Everyone, It is a Serious Post!!!

It’s Mike with tales from the hospital. Rather than being amusing though, this one is both sad and thought provoking. About 7 months ago, a 31 year old woman with a long criminal record and numerous drug problems was cooking up some meth in a dumpster downtown. The rig she was using exploded and she caught fire. She was brought to our hospital (we have a major burn center) and activated as a type one trauma. She was put on a ventilator, had surgery performed on her burns, and her multiple medical co-morbidities addressed. So numerous are her medical problems that during this hospital stay she has been seen by the following teams of doctors: surgery, hematology, endocrinology, pulmonology, internal medicine, psychiatry, infectious disease, and cardiology. I first saw her while rounding with cardiology service because she had gone into heart failure, along with her other medical problems. She is back on a ventilator, and she may or may not get better (probably not). She has severe burns over half her body, and if she does recover, she will be disabled and likely disfigured.

The story is sad, but the reason I write about it is this. She had no job and no insurance. She was did countless illegal activities to pay for her drug habit, though several attempts to get her off of drugs had failed. As of yet, she really has contributed nothing to society, or the people around her. Currently, her hospital bill is around two millions dollars, and will only get higher.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not advocate denying her health care due to an inability to pay, nor do I think we should pull the plug because she did drugs, or didn’t have insurance or anything like that. I believe in healthcare for all and work to support the cause. However, cases like this really make you think. We continue to treat this woman because it seems to be the right thing to do (plus our legal obligation), but I would like to hear your thoughts on what a societies obligation really is to this person. It is not an easy question. Don’t worry. The dick and fart jokes will be back soon.

GASP!

Lou Reed's been kidnapped by the nefarious Crabcake! What are we to do?!

Fuck You Canada!

How would you like it if we sent our shitty weather up to you? Huh?

I Do This Once A Month

So, I basically checked out mentally yesterday. I have about 7 days left until my vacation, I figure I am just going to do the least possible without getting fired. I should put that on my resume.

Nick Seaman - Half Asser

Many of you are familiar with Little Miss Knit/Knitty Kitty. Well it seems as though today is her birthday so perhaps you could find it in your charcoal-like heart to go wish her a happy birthday. I know she's missing her main man TFG, so I'm sure she'd appreciate any affection that may be lingering in your bitter, chaffed auricle.

For the none of you that keep up with it, there is a new chapter available in The Blogadoon Saga. Captain Beefheart has outdone himself again. Plus I never get tired of saying WhiteBoyBob's in a pickle. Personally, I am very fond of this story I love where it is headed. Although it seems that Captain Beeheart, Taoski and Myself are the only ones writing it still, we have no problems of using the likenesses of other bloggers for our personal gain and satisfaction. Who knows who we'll use next. JJ, I'm looking at you. I know I keep saying this, but if you haven't read it or haven't been keeping up with it you realy should. It's highly entertaining. And if the prospect of reading all of it on computer screen is what's keeping you from doing so, fear not, there is a handy pdf version, chapterized and errything available for download from the site.

My Mac is looking particularly sexy today. Yeah I find my computer highly appealing, what of it?


The puzzle had to go. I found it to be irritating.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Howdy Folks. It’s Mike again, and I am finally home for a couple of weeks to enjoy the holidays. I’ve been doing some Christmas Shopping, looking at the lights, and was reminded of my last house. Before I moved to Kansas City, got married, and became an adult, I lived in the fair city of Hays Kansas. My roommate Jake and I played in a lousy band, and we thought it would be fun to have space to practice, so we moved away from the college and got a big house out in a residential neighborhood with a big basement that we could play in without disturbing people (we sound proofed it).
As the Holidays rolled around, our neighbors all started putting up Christmas lights, as they will in the ‘burbs, so we decided to follow in suit. However, as the sole representation of people under 20 in the area, we decided to let our house speak to our true nature. The picture is not great, but here you go.

In case you can't make it out, our house says "Santa, Send Beer", and in the front lawn, we have Santa's Sleigh being pulled by 8 pink flamingos, and in the sleigh is a 5 foot tall beer bottle dressed up like Santa.
We thought our neighbors might be annoyed (one was actually pissed) but for the most part, they were pretty cool with it. One of them brought over a form to enter our house in the city wide decoration contest, which we did. We took second place (cash prize, $100), but the best part happened the week before Christmas.
Late at night there was a knock on the door, and there, on our front porch was the owner of the big liquor store in town (we had never met him before, but we recognized him from his commercials). "Santa Came!" he yelled, as he reached into his bag and pulled out a case of beer for us. I think it embodies the reason Christ came to earth. God Bless us, Everyone!

Holiday Roundup

Oh, it's been a special week in Nick Land. In this instance, as in so many others, "special" does not contain a positive connotation. It is loaded to bear with, what many grammarographers call, "sarcasm".

I've been doing too much bitching lately, so I'll try to make with the brevity AND, if my fortune hasn't faded, the levity.



The Inevitable Death of The Great White Honda

Seamus Twamley O'Hondahan met his demise at 2:30am last night. I was driving home from work, by way of the bar, and all my gauges went dead so I pulled over and that was all she wrote. I figure it's probably the alternator or something to do with the charging system which can be fixed, but maybe I'll use this "opportunity" as springboard to just buy a new goddamn car. Seamus was creeping up on 320,000 miles. And those are all high-quality Seaman Miles too as he's been a one-family car since '93.

Seamus Twamley O'Hondahan is survived by a set of fuzzy dice and 6 or 7 half empty soda bottles. Also a McDonalds bag.


Jesus Christ Almighty

Depsite our innumerable differences, Jesus has agreed to come back for a third interview with The Sac. Just between you and me, I think he's an attention whore. After the debacle last year, that's the only explanation. I mean, he certainly doesn't want to get his ass kicked again.

Interview: Year One

Interview: Year Two

I had five stitches above my eye after that shit. This year, I'll try to control my rage so that I don't get into a fist fight with the Son of God again.


Like My Uncle, I'm Going To Touch On This One Last Time

That was a molestation joke. They never get old. The fucking Blog world needs to chil the fuck out. I'm so upset I just shot off two Brain-To-Keyboard F Missiles in the same sentence. McDougal and Monkey have closed up shop, Ubermilf has her head in a sandbox or in a bucket of sand or something. Calzone had to deal with dog fucking yesterday. I never thought I would say this but I feel bad for the fat ass little Dragon. Do you have any concept of the shit that has to happen to make the likes of McDougal close up shop. Sweet Mary, Mother of God, the thought of it makes my very soul tremble.

To recap: CHILL THE FUCK OUT

--


Alright, people, I have to go to work. Go watch some football and drink some beer and calm thyselves.

This Is A Wasteland Now

I remember when blogging wasn't something that people got upset about. I remember what some historians refer to as "the good old days". We used to be able to talk about anything we wanted and nobody really cared. Now the Forum Flamers of yore are coming round and threatening my people and hurting feelings. People are getting jaded and burned out. Oh how I long for those quondam days. It seems like people have forsaken the simple joys of online journaling in favor of comment counts. I'm as guilty as the next guy. I persevered for 2 years sans any comments at all because I enjoyed doing it. But as soon as the former Mr. Underhill rocketed me to stardom I changed. You can see it in my writing style, you can see it in the bullshit that passes for a post around here sometimes. And if you are fortunate enough to know me personally you can see it in my eyes when I start talking about something as stupid as "my blog". I am way too wrapped up in this thing.

Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I've made, I love that this blog acts as a sort of communication device between Dr. Mike and I. I love that my local friends, no doubt inspired by my greatness and magnanimity, started their own blogs. But the process has become impure.

On top of that, I wince in pain every time I take a breath because the muscles in my chest are so incredibly sore from coughing.

You guys know who The Incredible Hulk is right? I wish he was real so he could punch me in the face hard enough to render me unconcious for a week. I might have a headache afterwards but at least I wouldn't be sick anymore.

I will have worked approx. 56 hours this week when it ends. Good for the pocketbook, bad for the physical and mental health of Nick. Luckily I can bring my iPod in and hook it up to the stereo. If I had to listen to fucking holiday music everyday until christmas, you guys would see me on CNN. My lawyer would be covering my face while I'm being led into the courtroom by armed guards.

Fortuantely for my customers I've got The Flaming Lips, Interpol and The Alkaline Trio keeping me moderately sane currently.

Good Day.

The Blogs And The Bees

I just had the dreaded "blogger safety" talk with my dad. My parents have never seen this site, as far as I know. I wouldn't put it past my crazy ass sister to show them something funny I wrote and sell me down the river, though. I never talk about myself or my problems in any serious capacity because a) You have your own problems and I don't want to burden you with mine and b) Someone who knows me (other than the people I have granted access to already) will see it and then want to get all chatty. Fuck that. My friends that read it currently can be trusted to never engage me in a serious conversation about my numerous "issues".

I have never been one for anonymity. Since I started this thing over three years ago, I have been using my real name. It wasn't until earlier this year that I started to get any kind of readership that wasn't people who already knew me. If you read through the archives you can physically witness the thigns I talk about change. When it was just my friends reading this I talked about a lot more personal things and more work things. Now that there are so many people out there that read this (I'm not bragging) that I don't know I tend to talk more about mundane and generally humorous bullshit. Which is fine with me. I never used this as an outlet for my angst or rage or whatever so I'm not really missing anything from my past.

The point is, if you are a blogger, don't ever let your parents find out about it. Then you'll have to have the second most uncomfortable "talk".

Look Ma, its a MEME

Hi everybody. It's Mike again. I am in Chicago, and it is a bit chilly. Nick thinks for entertainment, I should fill out this Meme. I figure since most of my training is in filling out forms, I am more than capable, so here you are:

3 names I go by:
• Mike
• Dr Mike
• Mike Mike Bo Bike

3 screen names I have:
• Mike
• Mike
• Mike

3 physical things I like about myself:
• My height
• Shoulders
• Eyes.

3 physical things I don't like about myself:
• Calves
• vestigial tail
• black tumor of hatred slowly growing inside me, until I finally climb up a water tower with a high powered rifle and rain down my “bullets of liberty”

3 parts of my heritage:
• The part that keeps the black man down
• The part that made me all tall and rugged
• Creamy nuggat in the center

3 things that scare me:
• Red States
• Ted Nugent
• The way the door gets answered at Nick’s house at 7 am

3 of my everyday essentials:
• Bourbon
• Screams of the innocent
• Blankie

3 of my favorite musicians:
• Ani DiFranco
• Sarah McLachlan
• Moby

3 of my favorite songs:
• Battle without Honor or Humanity: Tomoyaso Hotei
• New Slang: The Shins
• Birdhouse in Your Soul: They Might Be Giants

3 things I want in a relationship:
• Scapegoat
• Someone to check under the bed for listening devices/monsters
• My Ego Stroked

3 lies:
• It’s hardly noticeable
• This won’t hurt a bit (the alternate variation is “you might feel some pressure”)
• I’ll pull out

3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
• Hair
• Back
• Ability to be fooled

3 of my hobbies right now:
• String Theory
• Removing Blood Stains
• Hand copying the Bible, using quill and parchment, but inserting the word “penis” at random

3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
• Eat Lunch (I am starving)
• Check under the bed (see above)
• This “love making” thing I hear all the kids singing about now in their pop music

3 careers I've considered doing:
• Bar Tender
• Pillager
• Pediatric Gynecologist

3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
• Key West
• Alaska
• Italy

3 kid's names I like:
• Simon Xavier
• Logan David
• Jezebel Harlot

3 things I want to do before I die:
• Assassinate a Politician
• Convert my Body into pure energy
• Try Caviar

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical guy:
• I love explosions
• I play air drums to rock songs I like
• I slept with your sister

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical girl:
• I say mean things about peoples cloths when they aren’t around
• There is a creepy guy in my building trying to sleep with me
• I quietly cry myself to sleep every night

3 people I would like to see take this quiz:
• Salman Rushdie
• Samuel Alito
• Lou Reed

Offensive To/From Cards

In the spirit of the holidays I bring you the cards below. In the spirit of the increased amount of traffic on your local roadways this holiday season I give you this. God bless us, everyone.

The Lackluster Adventure of McDougal and The Robot.

I remember this one time, me and McDougal were advancing on Papua New Guinea in his Giant Robot . Now the big man was completely wired out of his mind on whipits, so about 63 miles outside Buna he crashed that Giant Robot right into the Vitiaz Strait. I was in pretty inadequate shape, but McDougal was completely unscathed. He just dusted himself off and set out in search of the nearest Dunkin Donuts . I clambered out of the conflagrant wreckage and limped after him. After 7.3 minutes of hiking through the milky terrain we were attacked by a band of Niam-Niam warriors. I cowered and shitted myself in terror, but McDougal facilely reached into his Skin Suit pocket and removed the Ultimate Nullifier that he always keeps in there. This made short work of the inferiorly armed natives, although McDougal was sorry to see his favorite weapon destroyed in the fray, as it was a gift from Galactus, who had been a close personal accesory. We never did make it to Buna, instead we spent the next 42 weeks holed up at the hideout of a local war criminal getting high on a mix of Losartan and Citra-Solv.


Write your own McDoug-Lib. Check it out here.

Where is Mike this week?

I am in glamorous Iowa City, home to the University of Iowa, and its associated gigantic hospital (trust me, it’s huge). This is also the first really cold day I have had on the interview trail. It is 7 degrees outside. I know some of you from Canada or Minnesota might thing of that as Spring, but I found it freezing. The hotel is nice though, and I can get the Library’s WiFi signal from here. I see Nick wants me to do some Meme, but that will have to wait until I have told this enchanting story:
We were making rounds at an assisted living center. I was working with a Doc that had mostly a geriatric population, so he had a lot of nursing home and assisted living patients, whom, by Medicare requirements, have to be seen by a doctor on a regular basis. So we make rounds, but they are mostly social rounds, since everyone is fairly stable.
One day, we went into an old woman’s room, and she greeted us warmly, and handed us a loaf pan with tin foil over the top. “I made this for you” she said, and we sat down. We discussed her pills with her for a minute, and then the smell hit us. I looked at Dr C, he looked at me, and then he made that “oh my god” face. I pulled back the lid of the foil, and then stared at the old woman.
“I thought you would need a stool sample” was her reply. She had made us a loaf all right, just not what we had originally thought. Inside the pan was the rankest turd (a medical term) I had seen. Apparently, it had been sitting on the radiator in her room, just warming up for us all morning, until… SURPRISE. We let her know there would be no need to supply us with stool until we requested it, then I think we washed our eyes with soap and water until that image was gone from our retinas.

Memetrosity

I don't know if Dr. Mike is going to spin another yarn today or not. If he does he is certainly welcome to move this schlock down. In lieu of anything intelligent, or since we are talking about me, less stupid, here is a Meme that Owl hit me up with.


3 names I go by:

• Nick
• James
• idiot

3 screen names I have:

• Akugyaku
• Lou Reed
• Nick

3 physical things I like about myself:

• My height
• My eyes
• The cool scar on my knee.

3 physical things I don't like about myself:

• Every single thing not listed above this.
• Not joking,
• Every single thing.

3 parts of my heritage:

• I think we might be Irish
• I really have no idea
• Genealogy is stupid

3 things that scare me:

• Succeeding
• Change
• Dakota Fanning

3 of my everyday essentials:

• Coffee
• Self Deprecation
• Cigarettes

3 of my favorite musicians:

• Jack Johnson
• Tori Amos
• Matthew Good

3 of my favorite songs:

• 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle
• In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3 by Coheed and Cambria
• While We Were Hunting Rabbits by Matthew Good

3 things I want in a relationship:

• Love
• Comfort
• Honesty

3 lies:

• People are essentially good.
• I don't care what you think.
• I like myself.

3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:

• Eyes
• Lips
• Ass

3 of my hobbies right now:

• Darts
• Self Loathing
• Vs.

3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):

•
•
•

3 careers I've considered doing:

• History Teacher
• Graphic Artist
• Chef

3 places I would like to go on vacation to:

• Toronto
• UK
• Japan

3 kid's names I like:

• Julius
• Ignatious
• Persephone

3 things I want to do before I die:

• Graduate from college
• Like myself
• Get married

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical guy:

• I spit and curse
• I love Football (The American or "real" kind)
• I am terrified of commitment

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical girl:

• I bitch about everything
• My vagina bleeds once a month
• I am absolutely crazy

3 people I would like to see take this quiz:

• Anthony (just to mildly annoy him)
• Dr. Mike
• Mary Worth

Suck My Cock Mary Worth

Queue and Eh? is proud to present its latest and, perhaps, hardest hitting interview to date. I implore all of you to go read through Little Miss Knit's interview. Anthony and I pounded her repeatedly until she finally came... up with the answers.

This interview is not for the timid or faint hearted. Unless you like having heart attacks!


UPDATE 11:41 AM

Firefox 1.5 is available for download. Yay!

UPDATE 12:02 PM

Captain Beefheart makes my loins feel funny. God bless him for this.