A Christmas Miracle, Part Two

I sat in my study thinking about people I could interview for Christmas. People that both you and I would find compelling, but not in a douchey way. Kanye West was obviously out, he's changed so much since his first three albums, now he's basically just an auto-tuner with a god complex and in the Pantheon of Things or People Which Are Compelling he ranks right below aquarium sand. But who else is so attention-starved that they would agree to appear on my blog? Star of the hit Canadian TV series ReGenesis Peter Outerbridge? No, he's way out of my league...

What about the outstanding, yet extremely girlish, footballer Cristiano Ronaldo? No, not after he was given the Ballon d'Or.

I was deep in thought when I heard a crash in my living room. I was trying to decide whether to hide in my closet or under my bed when a hurricane of robes and hair came bursting into my room. The smell of gin and sacrament wine was over-powering. After the blur came to a stand-still I realized that The Light and the Way, the True Bread, the Advocate himself was staggering, drunk, in front of me. Obviously, I was taken aback. First off Jesus was in my bedroom which, considering some of the ungodly things that occur in there, was weird. Secondly he was drunk as a fiddler's bitch, and I told him as much.

"Jesus, what the fuck?"

"AYYYYYY!!! Supyo?!"

"Cool it Fonz, you're drunker than Andy Capp on his wife's birthday."

"I onlyhadlike 6 drunks."

He held up 10 fingers when he said that, so I figured we were beyond counting at this point. There wasn't much that scared me more than a drunken deity with a grudge. I backed away slowly and glanced between him and the door trying to calculate my odds of escape. Perhaps I overestimated just exactly how drunk Jesus was because at that moment he spoke.

"Youcouldt make me past here if you try."

Which I took to mean "you couldn't make it past here, if you tried." and he was right. I can barely outrun a 15 year old, sedated, 3-legged cat, there was no way I was getting by Jesus. Drunk or not. So I figured I'd reason with him.

"Look, Jesus, you've clearly tied on a drunk of biblical proportions, you're infinity sheets to the wind, man. You need a burrito and a good eon's sleep. Why don't you have a lie down while I grab you some food."

"You like that wouldtyou?! No way man, me and youare going on a liltrip!"

He crossed the room in a blink and draped his right arm over my shoulders, he thrust a bottle of 15th century Awamori skyward and let out a drunken howl. I had no idea what was about to happen but I was certain it would kill me, and who does one pray to in this situation anyhow? With that Jesus looked at me and said:

"HANGON! WOOOOOO!!!"

I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes and thought that this must be how Andy Dufresne felt right before he got turned out and then I thought about how that was a weird thing to think about right before I was killed and then I felt a woosh and couldn't think anymore.

A Christmas Miracle, Part One

Despite our tumultuous history and the fact that I promised I would never go back to him I decided I would try and get Jesus back in here for a rematch. Unfortunately Scott Boras is representing him these days and his appearance fee is higher than Tenzing Norgay on an oxycodone bender. Personally I think it's the absolute apex of hypocrisy that the son of God is being represented by a modern day Judas Iscariot, but that's neither here nor there.

We've sat down together four previous times (1, 2, 3, 4) and I guess I thought we had the kind of love-hate relationship that brothers have, but apparently he's all about the drachmas now. Well, he can sit alone in his mansion with his loaves and his fishes for all I care. I'm going to interview someone else. Someone better.

I wonder what Kanye West is up to, anyway...

(stay tuned)

The Greatest Movie Never Made

Michael Bay's The Dark Knight



Stolen from B.A.

Sweet Weekly Love

Proof That The End Is Nigh

The Arizona Cardinals clinched their division with a win in Week 14. Say what you want about the NFC West, but what team in the NFC is going to want to play against a team with Kurt Warner throwing up MVP numbers to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, not to mention Steve Breaston and Tim Hightower. I am officially rooting for them as of.... now.

Here are my predictions for the rest of the playoff teams

NFC Teams already in:
NY Giants - NFC East winner
Arizona Cardinals - NFC West winner

My predictions:
Minnesota Vikings - NFC North winner
Carolina Panthers - NFC South winner
Dallas Cowboys - NFC Wild Card
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - NFC Wild Card

other NFC predictions:
best record - NYG

First round byes - NYG (1 seed), Carolina (2 seed)

First round match-ups - Dallas (6 seed) @ Minnesota (3 seed) and Tampa (5 seed) @ Arizona (4 seed)

Second round match-ups - Dallas (6) @ NYG (1) and Arizona (4) @ Carolina (2)

Third round match-up - Arizona (4) @ NYG (1)

NFC Champion - NYG

--

AFC Teams already in:
Tennessee Titans - AFC South winner

My predictions:
Pittsburgh Steelers - AFC North winner
New York Jets - AFC East winner - (Here's the thing about the East winner. there are 3 teams tied for the divisional lead: Dolphins, Jets, Pats - I predict that they will all finish 10-6 overall, 7-5 in the conference and 4-2 in the division. The Jets will hold the tie break over Miami for finishing 2-0 against them, and Miami will hold the tie break over New England for Strength of Victory, so therefore the Jets will win the division.)
Denver Broncos - AFC West winner
Baltimore Ravens - AFC Wild Card
Indianapolis Colts - AFC Wild Card

other AFC predictions:
best record - Titans

First round byes - Tennessee (1 seed), Pittsburgh (2 seed)

First round match-ups - Baltimore (6 seed) @ New York (3 seed) and Indy (5 seed) @ Denver (4 seed)

Second round match-ups - Baltimore (6) @ Tennessee (1) and Indy (5) @ Pittsburgh (2)

Third round match-up - Indy (5) @ Tennessee (1)

AFC Champion - Indy

--

Superbowl (Indy @ NYG) winner: Indy

Book it. Done.

Enough About Murdering Babies

Let's talk about something else for awhile. I'm sitting here at Caribou with my medium light roast, using their free internet, awaiting the 9:40 inbound so I can get my sorry ass to work. I love working on Saturday. I know how fucked up that sounds, but when you do as little as I do on the weekends, doing anything is awesome. Considering I'm trying to conserve as much money as possible for the holiday break it's a win-win for me. I make extra dollars and I don't go spend money out of boredom. That's how one ends up with Guiding Light on DVD. Not me, just, you know, in general. As I was saying, I love working on Saturday, and it goes beyond the fiscal implications. The commute in seems much less rushed. I don't have to run to the bus stop, and then run to the train and then run to the water taxi. I show up at the train station 50 minutes early, grab a cup of joe, type a blog post, stroll to the train when it arrives and then stroll to work from the train station. I arrive at work much calmer. Now, I like working on the weekdays too, I just like the commute to work a lot more on the weekends. That's all I'm saying. I just wanted to say thanks to my smart and sexy boss. It's cool, I can say that, he's a guy.

It's been snowing since assfuck o' clock this morning and the whole world is shrouded in silent, soft snow. I'm very calm right now. Nobody harsh my calm, alright?

Lemon Out!

I'M KIDDING!

While on the train this morning I read (and by "read" I mean I saw someone else reading) an article in the Chicago Tribune about how Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates this holiday season.

As we all know taking a woman you barely know to get an abortion after a drunken one-night stand can be an uncomfortable and often humiliating experience for a man. Thankfully Planned Parenthood has come up with the perfect stocking stuffer that alleviates this potentially unpleasant experience for guys everywhere.

So, kudos to you Planned Parenthood for making meaningless, unprotected sex even more impersonal.



Planned Parenthood: Because nothing puts the Christ in Christmas like murdering babies.



(please don't take anything I say seriously. This is a joke. Everything is big joke to me, ask my parents. Listen, I know Planned Parenthood serves an invaluable purpose and murdering babies is only a small portion of that.)